Irish jokes

PADDY Murphy was staggering home drunk from the pub with a small bottle of Irish whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and had a bad fall.

As he struggled back to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please God” he cried, “Let it be blood!”

Paddy opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly called his best friend Sean. “Did you see in the paper” asked Paddy “they say that I died.”

“Yes I did” said Sean “Where are ye ringing from?”

An Irish priest is driving on a highway in the States when he is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car and so asks him “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Only water” says the priest.

The trooper says “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says “Good Lord! He’s done it again”

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s dead.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’ Paddy said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’ Paddy now works for Morgan Stanley.

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