“In 1983, a song became something of an anthem about how a guy should treat a girl. “Tell Her About it” was written by Billy Joel from his highly acclaimed album, “Innocent Man”!
The foot-tapping Motown groove was a tribute to his soul mate, Christie Brinkley. Joel and Brinkley would marry in 1985. But in 1994 their marriage ended.
No matter how much love and respect people have for each other, sometimes even a good relationship can start falling apart. While there’s heaps of reasons why this happens, there’s lots of solutions for nearly every relationship crisis.
Sometimes though, we’re wary about asking for help. Reason? We’re embarrassed about what other people might say and think of us.
Long time ago, someone helped me understand how this type of thinking can be so debilitating and damaging.
“If you’re going to live your life always worrying about what other people say and think of you, you’ll never be free. And you’ll never get to where you need to go. And frankly, what other people say and think of you is none of your business!”
The truth cut deep. No one had ever spoken to me this way before. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. But as the wisdom started sinking in, I knew it was time for me to face some of my wayward thinking patterns.
Truth is I cared a lot about what other people thought of me. Not only that, I was constantly seeking their validation. If the truth be known, I wanted people to like me.
And I hardly ever said “no” to anyone because I was afraid of losing their friendship. I suffered from a very low self esteem.
So I masked my feelings of unworthiness behind an engaging smile and an accommodating nature. My broken down self-esteem constantly fed off my negative internal self-talk.
So my mind became a hot-bed of negativity. I also struggled with feelings of paranoia. Without wanting or meaning to, I became a prisoner of my own misguided thoughts and emotions.
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner!” Lau Tzu
About 40 plus years ago, someone gave me a book. It was from a totally unexpected source.
The book titled, “Think & Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill had mind-blowing revelations and life-changing repercussions. They began opening my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. The person who gave it to me was one of the finest jazz musicians. He had a way of playing the guitar making you want to sing and dance.
Interestingly, he was a superb story teller too not just with his guitar, but literally. Both of us loved playing. And it was through this umbilical “chord” of music that we began having an amazing connection. But he was a master and in a very different guitar playing league to me.
His guitar work was pure genius. I envied him not in a jealous kind of way, but more like I wish I had his talent. I grew to love and respect him like he was my own dad.
After all these years and even though he’s no longer with us, I still treasure the book he gave me. The principles have enlightened and challenged me to change and rearrange my thinking patterns.
So thanks to him, I’m always in the habit of viewing life through the eyes and ears of positivity. It’s been an amazing resource and journey in more ways than I can truly express.
So I owe my late father-in-law and guitar great Arthur Thomas, a tremendous debt of gratitude for giving me that wonderful book.
So rule No 1 – be a warrior not a worrier! Stop worrying about what other people will think of you.
Right now, many are trying to survive the pandemic. Relationships are strained. Many can’t seem to see past what looks like massive financial boulders confronting them.
With lost jobs and no steady income people are struggling to put food on the table. They’re struggling to pay their mortgage or rent.
Bills are mounting. Nerves are on a knife-edge. And some are sadly unleashing their fury at the ones they’re closest to.
Some are turning to alcohol, kava or drugs to escape their pain. Running away won’t help. You might get a momentary reprieve, but your problems wont go away. It’s time to face them head-on. And until you do, they’ll keep coming at you, mocking you to give up the fight.
That’s right many of you are at the point where you feel like giving up because you’ve had enough. Rather than face your fears head-on you’re being deceived into throwing in the towel. Most times that unseen enemy is closer than you think.
What if I told you our negative mind-set thinking is our biggest internal wrecking ball. While you’re letting that one sink in, let me share something else. I’ve been there too and it wasn’t a pretty place.
It nearly destroyed my confidence and self-esteem including everything good and decent inside of me. Stop agreeing with your negative self-talk. It’s a powerful, deceitful saboteur. And if you give it oxygen, it’ll tear you and everything you love apart!
Blaming your partner, your boss, the government, the pandemic or even yourself is another wrecking ball cop-out. Stop the blame game. The biggest liar is right there inside of you, tearing your confidence to shreds.
The moment you decide to stop giving oxygen to your lying, thieving, negative self-sabotaging self-talk, your eyes will open. You’ll begin realising you have options. Ideas and even problem solving tools will begin materialising when you have a clear uncluttered mind.
But first things first – go grab a pen and pad. Find a quiet place away from everyone. This is something you’re going to have to do all on your own, free from all distractions.
First, think about what you can control and what you can’t. For example, COVID-19 is a reality. It’s not going away anytime soon. It’s here to stay. We have to manage it.
Next, the fallout from the pandemic is affecting everyone all over the world. We can’t control that. We can’t control our job situation either.
If our company is on the brink of collapse, we can’t control that. What we can control is what we think and how we can overcome some of our problems.
As challenging as things might be right now, we can control our attitude and our response to some of our most pressing needs. It’s time to start thinking outside the box. But before the next step, there’s something personal you may need to do first.
First, you’re going to forgive yourself. That’s right, forgive yourself for believing all of the lies about yourself, about the people close to you and about your circumstances. Second, if you can see it in your heart to forgive those who’ve caused you any kind of grief or distress in any way forgive them too.
When you’ve finished doing this, a weight will be lifted off you. The emotional baggage of negativity that’s captured your mind and darkened your soul will no longer have a hold on you.
Nobody but you will know you’ve forgiven them. And above all, remember this – don’t expect any forgiveness in return. That’s the deal. No expectations. No conditions. And no buts!
When you’ve completed your forgiving task, take another deep breath. Now close your eyes and just sit awhile. Let the healing balm of the spirit refresh you. If you find yourself becoming emotional, let the tears come.
It means your spirit’s becoming free and the river of life inside of you is beginning to flow freely again. It’ll remove the darkness and dread you’ve been carrying and experiencing. Be kind to yourself. It’ll take a little getting used to.
But be alert for that internal negative lying self-talk. It will try fooling you into believing you’re actually lying to yourself about what you’ve just done. Tell those lying layabouts to sod off. They’re your enemies. Learn to control them and not the other way around.
If it helps use scripture such as “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4:13) or, “No weapon formed against me can prosper” (Isaiah 54:17). Use them both!
Regardless of how bad your circumstances are, remember there’s hope. Why? Because the Bible tells me so!
In Amos Chapter 8:3: “The corpses are so numerous that they are thrown away.”
Amos 8:10: “The Festivals and celebrations become sad.”
Amos 8:10: “Bitter days ahead.”
Jeremiah 16:4: “People will die of deadly diseases.”
Jeremiah 16:4: “They will not be able to mourn for their dead. They will not be able to bury their dead.”
Isaiah 26:20: “Come my people, enter your chambers and shut your doors: hide thyself for a little while till the fury passes away” (lockdown and quarantine).
Exodus 30: 18-21: “Wash your hands so that they do not die” (hygiene).
Leviticus 13: 4-5 & 46: “Keep distance if you have symptoms. cover mouth and avoid contact (social distancing).
Leviticus 13: 4-5: “Whoever is sick should stay inside their tent for 7 to 14 days (quarantine).
Strengthening your spiritual, mental and emotional well-being is vital for coming into a place of peace, calm and contentment. It’ll be the start of a fresh new chapter in your life.
And steer clear of regret and disappointment. We’ve all had them. Begin looking forward to a future filled with a new attitude of gratitude. Count your blessings and give thanks. Remember, you’re a warrior not a worrier.
Next task do a stock-take of all your strengths. And that means even the things you take for granted and do easily.
Yes, your hobbies can count as strengths too. If you can read and write, they’re your strengths too. Write down everything. If you like, use the alphabet or even a dictionary as a thought starter and memory jogger.
For example: “A” = acting, accounting, abseiling, art, acoustic guitar playing, acrobat, acupuncture, addition, adventure, aeronautics, advocate, agent, agriculture etc etc. Getting the drift? Good!
Your strengths should not measured by your level of education alone. You have more strengths then you probably realise. It’s important to draw them out and write them all down. You’ll begin seeing yourself in a new light.
It’ll help boost your confidence and grow your self-esteem. The realisation of what your “gifts” are and what your true worth is will lift your spirit. It’s your human capital. And your human capital is far more precious than any gemstone.
You are your greatest asset. So stop selling yourself short. Start believing the good news about yourself. Because there are others in the world who are in a far worse position than you.
There was a time when I grieved my poor choices and missed opportunities. I lived with regret because I’d made so many mistakes. After finishing my pity party I began looking for other ways of growing my skill set and injecting fresh confidence.
I looked for the best resource books I could find. Whenever a friend or even a client would recommend a book, I bought it. Good books are an investment. They’re rich in wisdom and ideas in how to grow you personally and professionally.
I’ve also learned to recognise wisdom when it’s being offered. And I’ve learned to grab it with both hands and thank the person who’s been kind enough to share it with me.
Sometimes, when I’m asked which university I went to, I get a kick out of telling them – I’ve never been to university. I am a student in the University of Life.
I’ve also learned that it’s not about how high your IQ is – it’s your EQ – or your emotional quotient (emotional intelligence) that’ll open doors. And if you’re really interested, track down the book, “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.
Because for far too long, IQ has defined people’s destiny. Let me assure you of this one thing – the ground-breaking research and ideas you’ll find in this book will be a revolutionary paradigm shift. It’ll forever change your life.
Next task – write all of the problems you’re facing. Beside it, write down a dollar figure if you need to. Now think of ways you can turn your problems into opportunities.
Prioritise your problems list. The most urgent goes to the top. Start thinking about what you need to do and how you can begin removing them from your list. You may need to work with your spouse or partner on this one. Two heads are better than one. Remember, you’re a warrior not a worrier..
What’s something on your strength list you can you do now to earn some extra cash? Think outside the box. Brain-storm ideas and possibilities. Be creative.
Next task – make a list of people who bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with these positive people.
And whatever you do, stop mixing with the whingers and whiners who keep bringing you down.
After you’ve completed this project remember this day. Make a promise to yourself and to your partner to stay strong for each other. Determine to push past your fears and your problems together.
Pray together. And remember this ancient verse: “For where two or three gather together in My name, there will I be with them.” (Matthew 18:20)
And remember most of all whose workmanship you are. You are the workmanship of the Almighty Creator of this universe (Ephesians 2:10).
- COLIN DEOKI is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of this newspaper.
