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Fiji Time: 1:47 AM on Monday 21 April

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Giving in to TEMPTATION

Ruby Taylor-Newton
Sunday, February 03, 2013

Don't you just get blown away that cheating and adultery is not considered all that bad anymore?

Adultery is generally defined in the dictionary as "sex between a married person and another person who is not their wife or husband".

For Christians, adultery begins just by the act of looking at someone with lust.

Consider this Bible verse: Matthew 5:28: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Lust is defined as having "a strong sexual desire for someone".

So, why do people cheat on their spouses or partners?

P says he had an affair when he was in his third year of marriage. She was "hot" and he couldn't resist her advances towards him. Today, P says he is full of regret, and he wished he had never met her.

What exactly goes through someone's mind that could justify cheating?

Some "cheaters" were kind enough to share their dark secrets in the hope of helping others not make the same mistake or learn from it. Here's what some of them said:

S says people cheat for all sorts of reasons.

"There is a lot of reasons that it could happen ... boredom, bad judgment, too much free time on your hands, you are mad at them for a moment and want to pay back, you're going through some problems and aren't sure what the future of the relationship is, or you fall out of love. I am not saying it's ever okay to cheat on anyone ... it hurts, it's degrading, it makes you question yourself ... I'm simply offering reasons why it happens," she says.

J says he knows of relationships where married couples live under the same roof but see other people.

He describes this as the "lowest of the low" kind of adulterous relationship.

"If one of them is cheating, the culprit should be honest and tell their spouse. Then it's up to them to separate or forgive and move on. If both of them are cheating then there's no need to discuss anything. Just keep their dirty secrets to themselves. Time will decide the moment they really cannot stand each other, even to the extent where one can puke just at the sight of the other.

"This is a sick relationship! There's no hope. Nothing to hold on to. There won't be any tears when they officially part," he says.

K was married. He found out that his wife was seeing another man behind his back and when he confronted her, she said they only kissed.

"Well of course the b* won't tell me she slept with him eh? So I just left it at that and decided to have an affair to pay her back," he says.

She found out. I confessed and asked her to forgive me. She said she did. Well! that was the beginning of hell for me because everytime we fight or argue, she would bring it up against me. Man, I thought she had forgiven me and we had moved on but she kept reminding me again and again.

"So I said if you can't forget and move on, then just get lost! We're separated and our two children now stay with her."

"If you ask me — from my experience — if you cheat, it's better not to tell — just die with it! Otherwise even if they say they forgive you, they'll always bring it up and use it against you. You will never hear the end of it," he says.

Y says you don't cheat on someone you love.

"Cheaters are just fooling themselves if they think they actually can love. Cheaters I think, are very insecure about themselves ... they need constant approval ... they need to 'prove' to themselves that they are valuable, attractive, sexy, desirable and they cheat because they never believe in themselves. They are very needy 24/7. Those who experience living with someone who is unfaithful also are fooling themselves if they believe these people 'love' them. Children of such people are the biggest losers because they have lousy role models!" he says.

N said her lasa i tuba husband just wouldn't change his ways so she decided to change herself.

"I got tired of him cheating and lying so I decided to play him at his own game then I kicked him out," the now single mother-of-two said.

M, whose wife cheated on him with a man she worked with says "Dump them and don't look back".

"Listen, take it from a guy married for 23 years. Break it off, no matter how painful it is. You will never trust her again, don't fool yourself. Don't stay for the kids (I had four). I'm so much happier not worrying about the cheating, and I'm still a great father. If you know for sure they cheated, get out. Any relationship where one of you cheated is doomed. Do not waste your years, I wasted five years hoping I could trust again, never happened. You may forgive, but you will never forget, and that will forever change who you are together."

T cheated because "she was a hotter girl," but realised it was a really bad and dumb thing to do "because I lost the best girlfriend I ever had".

"One time after my girlfriend didn't talk to me for three days, didn't return my calls or anything ... so I had sex with one girl that was flirting with me, I had no interest in her ... but I was angry, sad and heartbroken," he says.

"I cheated recently," confesses H, a heavy drinker.

"I got so drunk while out with friends and ended up with this girl I met at the club. When I drink too much, I act incredibly stupid. My girlfriend is the best thing in my life and look what I have done to her. I have no real reason why it happened, it just did," he said.

Interestingly, the answer to why people cheat is simple — it all comes down to two basic drives: your physical and your emotional state.

According to one relationship expert, Curt Smith, people usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires.

The question you have to ask yourself is which drive is stronger, and which one has a bigger influence in your life.

In general, each person is different, but it is generally the physical sexual drive that dominates a person's actions.

In order to contain our sexual drives, we need to ensure that the emotional support toward our lifetime partner is strong enough to keep our primitive instinctual urges from surfacing.

Smith illustrates this clearly in this example: "Imagine that the sexual physical instinct of a person (both men and women) is the sheer brute force of natural flowing water (one of the hardest elements to contain), and the only thing that can control it is a super dam. The dam represents the human's decision to become monogamous. It will only work if the dam's foundation is built strong enough. If there are any cracks or weaknesses, the 'water' will eventually break through the "dam."

So what are these conditions that will keep the dam strong?

Smith advises that in order to ensure a stable relationship, you must tend to all of the following reasons why people stray: Try to stay in shape and physically attractive for your partner; don't deprive each other of sexual needs; avoid long perio